Stupid Customers #1: Your FREE $3 Bill

An artificial commercial exposing the ridiculousness of “process and handling” charges and other marketing gimmicks. First in a series.
[BLACK/WHITE TV SCREEN: Show customer struggling to pull out an uncomfortably thick wallet and having to count out lots of $1 bills.] 
“Have you ever struggled with paying at the counter with all those $1 bills?”
[Camera shows angry customers in checkout line as subject lays out a pile of $1 bills and the unhappy cashier has to count them — emphasizing turning the bills to get them all facing the same way.]
“Not wealthy enough to carry around all those expensive $5 bills?”
“Have we got a terrific product for you… is the new $3 bill. You don’t have to be rich to carry them around, but you can save your back from hurting from having to support that thick wallet full of $1 bills you used to have to carry. AND WE’RE SO SURE YOU’LL LOVE OUR $3 BILL THAT WE’LL SEND IT TO YOU FOR FREE….just pay processing and handling, that is a $29.95 value (based on absolutely nothing resembling reality, of course).”
“But that’s not all. We’re so sure you’ll use it and be happy that we’ll give you 10 more for FREE, just pay additional processing…..  That’s a $33 face value (or over $300 artificial value) for FREE.”
[Camera shows sparkle in the eye.]
Customer calls 1-800-IAMSTUPID to get the FREE $3. The voice mail instruction prompts him/her to have a credit card handy.
Salesperson/order-taker gets online and asks the customer what he/she will purchase with their FREE $33 (1 + 10 more). Whatever it answer, it is the best possible choice.
“Ok Mr. StupidCustomer, you pay NOTHING for your FREE $3 and the processing and handling for that first $3 bill is only $6.95. But wait, you get an additional 10 FREE $3’s for just the p/h….at $6.95ea is only $69.50. And if you are ready to proceed RIGHT NOW, I can take off that first p/h charge…. so for the low low price of $69.50, I can send you those 10 FREE $3 bills. Normally, we would limit a customer to one package deal, but because your number is up, I can DOUBLE the offer if you have your credit card in hand and are ready to proceed.”
Coming soon,  discussions on:
Black/White, then Color screens
“Retail Value”
Shipping, Handling, Processing
Get it Free
Watch out for Automatic Subscriptions
Thanks for reading,

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